He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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