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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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