My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
