genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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