don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
