Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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