The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
