saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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