i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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