cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
