I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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