The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
