why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i will never coherently bang her
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I am available for nakedness
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
