I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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