It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
