I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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