you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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