you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
