Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
