If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
