giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
