I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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