Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
