I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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