my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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