he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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