Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
