Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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