My nipple is on Facebook.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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