In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
