My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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