My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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