Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
