I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
