I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
