Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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