Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I would ride that face into the sunset
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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