I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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