Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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