Sponge bath it is.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
