Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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