census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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