just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
