Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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