All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
