I cannot find my penis.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
