It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
