Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
