I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
