i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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