Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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