Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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